mood swings

I'm leaving to Jakarta tonight and I'm not even a bit excited; I can't even finish packing up but instead, I'm writing my blog. Two months ago I was like so damn happy when my cousin and I were booking the tickets, "Shopping Spree!!!", was all in my head. I was never been out of the country just for the holidays without my parents around.. the holidays I spend in here is not counted because I'm practically based here.

But today when I woke up, it's like a demon of excitement just snatched away all my strength to be happy..I don't even wanna go now. This sucks, I can't go like this. Will I get a refund if I cancel the flight? Nah, my cousin, Janna, will be so worried if I don't come along..it's like she's gonna be all emotional and blaming herself for whatever reasons she can come up with.

I hate this.

Does this happen to just me? I don't think so. But my pathetic mood swings happen in a really bad timing! When I'm supposed to be ecstatic, I'm apparently the opposite. Like when a close friend of mine left for the holidays to her country and I really did miss her when she was away. She surprised us of popping out of our door with the gifts and all - she was like Santa. But then, I was the least happiest. It's like someone just pushed the unhappy button when I was supposed to be the other way around.

I need a therapist. Seriously.

But in the mean time, I gotta finish packing now. :)

A call for a third World War

Well, I never thought I was a bad student until I entered IIUM. The whole adjusting thing sucked but I have good friends to guide me. However, I was bad at decision making that I made a fool of myself, I thought I can make it, long enough for the results to come out in a calculated data base of the CFS records. I was so dead. I knew it even before the written proof was printed in front of me and I really regret everything that I've done. And so I told my parents. I guess that was the main reason why I was called back home. My parents are more than willing to send me money to go back than the previous year. And I know exactly what's in their heads: that I needed fixing.

I failed my parents and I deserved to be nagged or whatever punishment they'll throw at me, I don't really care. But instead, they were glad I was back and pretended like nothing happened. I would have been more than happy, I'd be ecstatic that they understood my situation, but No, the truth came out all of a sudden. My mother thinks I'm a rotten idiot who can't make things right. My younger sister, Hanie, told me about this after I called last night. Mother certainly don't know what she's talking about. She was never around. She wasn't here on my first day in college. She wasn't the one who tips about sleepless nights during my stressing exams. She was even making a big deal of me going to Malaysia to study even if I got the scholarship, which was her condition in the first place: I go when I get it, and I did. She was half-hearted about it. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother. She gave birth of me, of course, the last thing I would do is to hate her. But the way she makes me feel guilty about something, something I didn't even mean of doing, is just really unfair. I never meant to screw things up with school. I can't believe she was more dramatic about this than me. I mean, I was left behind. My batch mates are doing their first year already when I was imprisoned on my very own careless mistake. Shouldn't she be the one..I dunno, helping me out. What's done was done. I can never bring it back.

Last night I called that I'm going home this May. Well, I guess not. I changed my mind. Until she doesn't take back whatever she said, I'm not coming home. Not in a million years, if that's how long it takes for Mother to realize that she didn't give birth to a girl with the perfect DNA.

flower fairies everyone! :)

Adorable flower fairies! They're just too cute! :)

A flood of awkwardness

Maybe I was wrong for one thing: it's still not easy to bump into my ex after our unthinkable break up. I thought after that very confusing night when we split up that I'll be bumping into him (of course, because we're from the same course), my chin high, acting as normal as ever. But no (strike one), whenever I see him (every where, literally), I don't know what kind of stiffening thing got into me that my eyes block any other object near him, making me feel like an idiot. He looks back, of course, much more of a pretense that he didn't see me,and then walks away - just like that. Why do we have to end up like this? We could be friends again if we only worked it out. But I actually liked the fact that I didn't have to see him before, but now I see him every now and that just makes things worse.

It'll be easier for me if he starts dating again, but no (strike two), he hasn't after all this time! It's been almost a year since we broke up and goodness, he's not that bad..how many girls are there in the whole IIU that he hasn't gone out with any of them? He can't probably be still waiting for me, that would be the being bullshit on earth. He's the one who lost faith in our not even close to blossoming past - just remembering these things makes me sick. I mean, seriously, we were best friends, I should have seen it coming that after the innocent hanging outs that eventually, he would ask me out as a date. I could have said I don't wanna go, but no (strike three), I went. ARGH. See how weak women could be? Then he said, situated in a park bench by the lake, that he really likes me. Likes. It's not even love. But I was surprised I was totally flattered, like I've been waiting for him to it say all along. And then...then...just when I was atop of my girlish fantasies, when I felt that I actually love him, we broke up after 2 months. I didn't even know if I was dumped or I dumped him. I was all a blur and all I know is that I don't want anything to do with him.

And now, he was passing by the library lobby when I was entering the reading section that I got alert of his presence suddenly. Thank God he didn't see me. But why can't I act normal? Why do I have to hide? It's getting into my nerves, really.

I went out of the library after some reading, finding Bakyt and his friend whose name I can't really pronounce. I was thinking if I should say hi, but I need not to because he just waved at me, calling me to join them. I haven't seen Bakyt for a while after we went out last time to catch Alice in Wonderland, which everyone thought was a date. But no (strike four), he's just a friend to me since we were in Nilai. He makes me feels better without being worried about attraction. I was never attracted to him, ok, I was a little but he was so adorable; I just can't like him that way. Anyways, we talked and talked, catching up with each other, laughing at silly things. I was laughing so hard, when Mashori came out of no where calling my name. Suddenly, I was choking or was I going to hyperventilate, I couldn't tell.

Anyways, he said he came out from the lib and he thought he saw me. Aaawwkkkwwaaarrddd. Ok, so yeah, how am I supposed to reply to that.. "yeah, you did see me..?" NO, of course not. So I just nodded. He asked me how I was like he didn't creepily held my hand at the cinema that time we watched the most boring movie of the season - I'm sorry but Confucius was so not the movie I would go out for. I mean, why did he hold my hand in the first place? He didn't call or text and then, taadah! He's in front of me, asking my well being. Wow, magical how guys could be so confusing.

I said I was fine politely, since this is how it's gonna be, better just play along with this shit. And did I just see him putting his right hand at back head? (Body Language 101: it means he's nervous) He's nervous? My ass. Save the nerve, buddy, I hate confusing guys. I introduced Bakyt and his friend, and I guess he can't bear the awkwardness too that he left right after that. "Take care of yourself, Olfa," he said nodding. Pppfffttt. Annoying.

Snap back to reality: I turned to Bakyt, mimicking my Tagalog convo with Mashori just now like a dying frog, and I burst out laughing again. At least I have Bakyt to balance things for me.

Video Editing - my new found talent

Over the past 3 days of Hanna studying for the finals and me making her life miserable by bugging her with my annoying antics, she made face the computer and told me to talk to it.

Ouch.

But I did as I was told. I went downloading songs and videos, - which seriously takes a little longer than it should be per song 'cause people started having their own videos of their favorite songs, which I wouldn't mind only if it doesn't gets on my way of downloading the original videos - checking my email, updating everything that I have to update and editing videos - home videos to be exact.

And I was surprised how good I was in editing videos and putting music on each of them. You see, my family and friends have loads of videos taken from different occasions, and since I'm free - I love the word "free", not bored - I had a good idea: put a little more life on those already lively videos and maybe a some presentation. *laughs* I'm not being too proud or anything, but their actually good. I wonder if I could build a career on video editing one day. Oh wait, does that mean I have to live with computers, too? Maybe, not a career..perhaps, just a hobby.

Well, I'm sorry I can't post even one of the videos I edited as it's sort of personal and I respect my friends privacy.

Courtesy of Hanna trying to get rid of me. :)

Things I Do when Insomnia Keeps Me Awake

Since I was at school, I tend tire myself out before coming back home. In that way, I won't be wide awake like an owl later at night. It's horrible, really, to have to be awake when everyone else is snoozing (I even envy the ones who snores). At 15, I was really convinced I'm an insomniac..not that I confirmed it from the doctors or something. But it happens most of the time that - trust me - you'd end up with same conclusion as well.

I've been wondering what causes insomnia and some sites say it's from stress, depression and some hormonal changes (for women)..and some say because of jet lag, genes, or worse, you temporarily stop breathing while you're sleeping. Wow, that last one freaked me out! *goosebumps* What if you don't breathe the rest of your sleep? (of course, you'd die, I know..it's a rhetorical question alright.) I guess, it was from stress, in my case, from my family's whole moving here and there thing. Thus, I was actually an insomniac, in a way.

And so I tried and tried things to sleep. It's like a good curse at the same time, you know. I get to do things I can't do when my parents are up or even my siblings. I get to a.) watch my choice of TV channel (though, I have to lower the volume and keep an eye on my parents's door every time), b.) eat (this is where "midnight snack" came into my system), c.) write on my journal (which I apparently, substituted with blogging now) and d.) of course, reading. I remember, reading to sleep since I was 15 using only the glow of my phone because I can't turn on the lights, made me short-sighted so early, unfortunately. But it was all worth it because among all things I do to sleep, reading is the best! Can imagine reading the most boring old English books on earth and I swear, you'd drop dead in no time!

Now, my whole "I-can't-sleep" drama is actually my choice. I mean, only studies can keep me yawning but the rest of activities are just too tempting to sleep on, like talking and talking till the sun's up, I didn't even how we could stand talking late at night but it was fun. I was with Nayzar in our study room, once, when my spoon on the bowl was tilted with the unusual "ting!" sound when it was impossible to be moved by not even the wind. We immediately suspected it was a ghost. I mean, seriously, we were the only pair in the room freakishly awake at that time. Who else would do a practical joke on us? We were so scared; we slept on the same bed that night - well, morning, actually.

Loads of things happen when I can't sleep or sometimes, I don't wanna sleep. But it can wait. For now, let me sleep. See you again, Insomnia! :)

This is gonna be a long day

I woke up at 7:30am, Hanna's online, checking her mail and I slept again. When I woke up at 9, she went out or something..but she does that most of the time so I didn't bother to ask. So I started checking my e-mail, annoyed to find that all of them are just going to the trash. Guess no one wanted to send me something fruitful today. I'm still waiting for that frustrating college acceptance letter, though. :(

I slept back, well, who can blame me? I have nothing to do and it's just 9:15. I woke up again finding myself alone again...looking for things to do. Oh boy, this is gonna be a long day. God knows what will happen next.