blah, blah, blah....

I'm in my Computer 2 class right now hopelessly listening to my boring lecturer! Oh God, let me out of here..

A whole new sem!

A new semester is officially open in CFS today. It's going to be a bitter-sweet feeling for me this sem since my mark sucks, as it is. And I can't possibly add another core course this sem which means I have to wait til after short-sem if want to go back home. Many students are not so thrilled of going home, but me? No way. I desperately wanna go back! So that's what I'm aiming to achieve now, good grades then, phew! I'm off to go, baby!

Well, in the first week, you wouldn't really notice that the enrollment is already rolling here in CFS, you know. People are just coming back from holidays and slumbers come and go to the Seminar Hall like there some kind of bazaar going on. It's still Monday anyway, let them have their moment of renaissance. But Tuesday was a different day. Everyone finally pick up their pace and begin to add/drop their subjects. A friend of mine told me that I'm giving myself a favor for taking 5 core courses this sem. I don't know what kind of favor I'm supposed to be savouring by now but I can assure her, there is none.

As everybody went to their respective classes the following day, I merrily decided to come to my first Economics class even if I don't have to. Man, I'm really excited for it! But for a second I froze to the sight of almost 30 girls sitting in the room for about 10 mins. when I came. God, not again! I found myself sitting next to a girl that Jene and I used to call the girl who "flatters the horizon". I know it's mean but - OK, I'll stop calling her that. My lecturer looks kind of stern when she first went inside the room.

"No one's outside anymore?", she said in her normal voice and went..I can't tell if she locked the doors or not 'cause there's no sound at all when she touched it, but it looks like it. Sounds familiar huh? My BTQ lecturer does that most of the time.

I was lucky I suppose to have Uri** with me in that "all-girl class" since the attention wouldn't be drawn to me since he's always been the class favourite and never fail to be. After class, I realized my lecturer was my height which is like a big news ever since the Econs class started because everyone is betting that she's an inch taller than me! What with Uri** and Turkey** betting for my opponent? Hah. I've been pointing out she's just wearing heels but the hell they care if it's for 10 bucks! OUCH. But I'm small, it's not debatable. It's just that, I can't accept my defeat that fast! *laughs*

The whole week rolled on without me noticing that today would be our second week and so many more happenings will come! Hope I can cope up with my subjects better.

Pray for me! :)

P.S.:
There are new Internationals who came for the second in-take and man, they're really a company! And the twins are back now to fill up 2 more empty bunks of our full-house!

Democracy? I don't think so!

I've met a lot of mean girls in high school and they never care who their talking with when they start their cruelty. Since being the only Muslim in my class, I never heard such nice phrases from these particular girls whenever I came across their conversations. But I've learned to ignore them and just be myself (it's not my problem, anyway)throughout high school. Now that religion is no longer an issue in UIA since most of the students are Muslims, I thought peace would be available. But I was wrong. Wherever you go, you will always encounter mean girls that will never ever be concerned about how you feel.

It started when my roommates and I went to the TV room out of boredom to just watch whatever it is that we can watch. Luckily, the rest of the girls are still having dinner and the room was so empty. We finally settled to watch Amazing Race Asia in AXN 'cause it's the only English show we can watch. The show went on for 30 mins. before a girl came in to the room and sat behind us. I can feel she's looking at us while we're cheering our favourite contestants on the show. I think it's odd but I just let her do whatever she feels like. After a while, she left. Probably bored of what were watching, but she didn't ask to change the channel anyway, so I don't see any reasons if ever she felt offended of feeling an outcast. 10 mins. later, she came back with bunch of other girls talking leisurely, making a squeaky noise at the back of us that you can barely hear properly what the contestants were saying. There's another 20 mins. before the show will be over, when suddenly an average-heighted girl (let's call her Joy Killer) came and pressing the switch buttons just when we're laughing over a hilarious scene.

Henny: "I dare you ask her to not change the channel.."

Me: "Ummp..excuse me..can we wait 'til the show is over then you guys can change the channel?", I was trying to be polite. I even smiled! But NO! She changed the channel to this stupid show where a guy keep on scratching his head while an old man keeps on calling him 'bodoh' and they think it's really funny, they laughed like we didn't ask them politely not to change the channel. Oh boy, she's annoying!

Joy Killer: "Sorry..you are minority. We are majority and we all wanna watch this show!", she said it like we're toddlers being sent to bed.

Majority? What happens to 'first-come-first-serve' policy? This is no democracy, baby! Hello? Majority wins when we will have to decide what is best to settle a misunderstanding between two camps, but in this case she didn't listen and it's not arguable that we came first. And if she's really playing the democratic acts, then she should respect the minority as well as the majority. I mean, come on! We can never be majority and that's the most obvious truth in the whole CFS history! We didn't even reach a quarter of the girls' population so how can we possibly be majority?

They wouldn't get it, really. And We just have to face our defeat quietly as possible since we are the minority.

Laughing after Crying!

After the holidays we are about to check our results for the last sem. I wasn't looking forward of checking it because I know I didn't do well. Henny keeps on telling me to be optimistic but the pessimism is everywhere! And guess what? I got awful marks in my Math and Stats and I got really stressed after seeing it! It's not that easy to see a below average performance if you're used to see high marks. Guess everything has first times. And this one really shocked me. I mean, I'm not "Ms. Perfect", I've done a lot of mistakes and failures for the past 16 yrs. of my life, but this one is just so..(how to say?) OUCH! It really hurts that I didn't eat dinner.

For that I decided to cut down my leisure times and just focus on what it is that I have to focus on. But would I survive without a time out? Come on! After I cried a pail and deserted myself to the darkest part of our study room, I went out. I was surprised my roommates didn't come up to me and interrogate what's happening like before the first time I cried. They just stayed where they were when I left to weep. I guess they understood I need some space.

"Are you okey?", asked Faz as she saw me walking towards them to join in. I was irritated with question since I'm not ok in the first place, but if it was me I would ask the same.

"yeah..I'm cool..", I uttered.

Faz told me to just calm down and just let the heat pass first before I think of anything else. I suppose she's not thinking that I'd hurt myself, right? *laughs* Besides, it's not worth dying for. But something people would, actually. I just listened to her and then Danna (not her real name, as usual) came to ask if I'm fine. Faz took the honour:

"No, she's not."
"Why not?"
"'Coz I'm not happy..", I interrupted.
"Your husband?", Danna suddenly asked.

Where did the husband came from? I don't even have a boyfriend! She was really clueless so we just go with the flow..

"Yeah..you know my husband cheated on me! Guys..", I said.

"Oh really?", man, she really didn't get it!

"She just got married last week when she went back to Philippines and her husband cheated on her that fast!", continued Faz. She is such an actress!

"Oh..my..God..", I can't imagine Danna really believed!

"Hey you guys! I'm praying, OK? (*laughs*) Good thing I just finished! Stop fooling her!", there goes Gene who just got pissed (but take note: laughing as well).

Oh well, it's mean but it was so hilarious! How can anyone be so clueless like that? Then again, I'm not alone.

The Best Book I've Read This Holidays!

Every holidays I always have a lot of time to sit down and procrastinate. But I'm not planning to do that this time, I've learned from my past holidays that if I sleep the whole day long I will just eventually wake up with a headache. So this holidays, I borrowed four novels from the library and vowed to read them all! *laughs* I even sounded mad when I said it to myself aloud that Hannah made a face. Well, I didn't really got to finish reading everything since some of them are really boring, I wondered why I took them. I just flipped a few pages and later tucked it in the corner of my table.

But one of them stands out:




I loved this book the moment I've read the first page. I got hooked up I can't put it down! It's really sad but inspiring..it makes me feel sorry for those children out of school and orphans. How do they actually cope up with all the stresses of poverty and lost of loved ones in such an early age? But that wasn't the worst part if you have parents but never acted as one - like Kevin.

Guys don't like too smart girls?

Why? I thought, in a millionth times I could muster. Why would a guy reject such a gift of intelligence that came out from a girl? I didn't really care when I heard this from a friend who's moaning about this particular guy she's eyeing on who happened to dump her cause she's too smart (I know..stupid).

"He's just playin' blind that he can barely notice your beauty..", I advised her.
"No, it doesn't stop there!" she exclaimed and walked away.

What else there is to be extracted in the idea of guys hating smart girls? I wondered.

Since high school, I always find myself falling for guys who are impossibly smart. Their stands drive you crazy and they never fail to utter a look of confidence in their faces (which I interpreted as smart). That's what I primarily admired from those types of guys, looks would fall in top two. But the smart turned into pride later on. But if in that very moment I admired them, why can't they be the same like us? My question was answered when I won a casual debate, over this guy I've been crushing on since the class started. There's no rule actually, just speak out your mind and go! At the end of the class, he didn't even looked at me. Before that, we used to talk. But after that, I hate to say this, but his ego ate him whole that turned me off - big time!

The answer is obviously simple, ego. They can't handle a girl so smart she can overrule the guy, which is a turning point of girls' role in the first place. But that's an ancient idea (if you ask me) to let girls be under guys. Now, I'm not against of guys being the head over heels, but for God's sake, what's more that guys want to prove? We've known a whole lot of it than they can ever tell us (or show us, perhaps..)! There is no need to be oblivious that girls today are more daring and confindent than they are phrased before.

Until then, I thought to my myself, guys are still blind if they cannot see the beauty in you, inside and out, because of his ego. And it ends there, darling.

A lesson learned

It's been 8 months since our twin roommates went off UIA for a different uni. Well, not to be sadistic or anything, but I was (or at least most of my roommies were) happy that they left. We're not even close, that is. So, saying good byes with wasn't that much of a challenge. They went packed their stuffs on a fair Saturday morning and left. Their close friends were of course, sorrowful about it, but at the same time excited to rennovate our room since 2 more beds were emptied.

I never wondered where they were these past 8 months since I barely know anything about them. If I didn't care about them when they were here, why worry when they're out? I told myself as a part of my whole process of not getting too attached. Sometimes it's hard to let go of something if you get too attached to it, emotionally. I've learned it the hard way during high school when my parents abruptly decided of moving to Davao permanently. My friends in Manila didn't know we'll be living a lifetime there, of course (coz I didn't tell them and because I'm still holding to the thought of going back). Through the years I cling in to the thought that one day I'll be back in Manila to live the materialistic world I used to live with--meet my friends, have fun, shopping, buy this and that! But come on, I can't live with such a thought like that. I mean, they're not realistic and practical enough to cling on to, I convinced myself. Then again, I said good bye to detach myself from whatever that's pulling me down..and move on.

Now that some of friends are moving out from our room, good byes are not so easily uttered. They're my closest friends. The girls who told me, " Olf, you're 17, stop peeing in your pyjamas!" and "Hey, I saw your guy, and he's HOT! Don't give him up!" I totally grew from being a schoolgirl to a lady when I started being friends with them. They taught me a lot of things what a girl friend would ever wanted to hear. But then again, I shouldn't get too attached. We'll see each other again, albeit not that often, but still. I've loved them like my older sisters, but I have to let them go...then I can say good bye.

Every beginning has an end. But that also means that new things will arouse and that's the whole point of ending. (..So epic!) *chuckles*

It's not LOVE, for God's sake!

I've been verbally harrassed by Alena these days. She keeps on insisting of having "..a sudden dispersion of love" -- even in love talks she thought about stats-- between me and this particular guy that has been our good friend since we came to UIA. But even though how many million times I told her that he's just like my big bro and I'm just he's lil sis, she still insists! Oh God. One day, I surrendered and said, "yeah, yeah..we're in love", just to shut her up. But that was a wrong move. She teased me even more. *sob*

Well, I've been fairly kind with this particular guy that's why she's teasing me. But I'm kind to all the guys I know, well, except for those perverts, though. But all in all, I'm a good friend towards guys as one of my guy friends testified a year ago. I mean, there's no reason to be rude to anyone, even if they're guys as long as they're decent on dealing with you. So, I see no point to be mean to this guy Alena was teasing me from.

But when would she stop her annoying teasing session? I wondered. But one thing is certain, IT'S NOT LOVE!

Being back doesn't mean no more fun!

I just got back to Nilai yesterday after my intended holidays! I unpacked my stuffs and vowed to study after a few hours of nap. It's just a week ago since I left this room but it feels like years. I walked around the room and sat next to Alena. I glanced on what she's doing, and man, her books are everywhere like she studied from dawn to dusk that she couldn't be bothered to clean them. Study-holic much? It seems like things never change after all. Then, she turned to me.

"Hi," she said smiling. "how's your holidays?"
"it was fun!", I said, then i burst out telling my whole holiday experience.

We sat there 'til we run-out of things to talk about and decide to eat when Miecha came. We ordered pizza for dinner which was Miecha's treat and some cakes and pastries. We had this movie marathon which was all a courtesy of Miecha! It was like a pajama party minus the awareness of it! *laughs* Who would protest we can't still be holidays?

Damn all these tear jerker films!

It’s been ages since I remembered watching 'A Walk to Remember', starring Mandy Moore and Shane West, one of those tear jerker films that I’ve watched my whole life which made me confess my embarrassing cry. Now, there’s another film I swore I should’ve watched.

It was cozy Monday morning, about quarter to one and I was all alone, really bored; I wouldn’t mind watching anything that is there Asmin downloaded. I browsed through her movie files and found a movie entitled, “NB”. What the hell is NB? I thought. I clicked on it and turned out to be The Notebook starring Rachel McAdams (who played the bitch from Mean Girls) and Ryan Gosling (so hot--from the series, Hercules)! I startled for a while then started concentrating in the scene when Noah left Alie for good. He chose to make a distance between them to think about their priorities before they actually continue their relationship. But in the middle of their hot convo as Alie shouts at Noah’s face that everything’s not yet over between them, Hannah took a really loud and long snore that would probably wake the Arab girls next door. Fuh, if only Mr. P (her guy) knows better.

Anyway, I was telling you already the touchy part. But let me tell you the start of all beginnings once in for all. Alie is a rich, smart and pretty 17-year-old girl who lives life according to her parents rule. She’s a really free-spirited debutant who just can’t have the chance to do her thing. So, in a summer vacation in the middle of High School, her family went on a summer house near the lake. There she hangs out with some of her girl friends. They spend the whole day and night having the time of their lives. One day when she went out on a double date with her friend in a carnival, Noah realized she’s the one for him. Sounds so cheesy, huh? But that’s why it’s romantic. As I was saying, Noah liked Alie the first time he met her, so the poor guy asked the pretty, young lady to dance with him. But Alie out of sarcasm refused to which didn’t seem to discourage Noah at all. He climbed up the peeress wheel where Alie and her date was and introduced his self, impulsively, and asked her to date him. Of course, I would be disgusted as well, so Alie refused to, again. But this time, Noah threatened her of committing suicide if she won’t (so stupid!). Alie freaked out and just said yes to get it over but Noah reached out the iron bars of the peeress wheel and grinned for “atlas”. Alie was so pissed off; she pulled Noah’s pants off his waist.

After that, they started dating and a summer romance bloomed. Well the dating part, you know how it goes, right? Yeahh..so as their relationship grew, they have to choose whether to what they want or what they should. Alie, as young as she is, chose to go back to the city and study while Noah volunteered in a military mission as one of the back-up soldiers of the America. But even when they’re apart, they believed that things are still the same between them. Noah wrote 365 letters to Alie as a means of saying how much he loved her. But Alie’s mom barred all those letters in reaching Alie and made her believe that Noah did forget about her.
Time passed by so fast, after 7 years, Alie was already engaged to a rich and powerful man of their time when Noah finally found Alie. He didn’t expect Alie to forget him and found a new love. Instead, he preoccupied himself in building his dream house which he dreamt of living with her.

News had it that Alie’s marrying this rich guy and everywhere you go you will read that her wedding is gonna be the biggest wedding of the year. She was really happy, almost impossible to breathe. But when she scanned the whole page of the paper, she saw her old love, or shall I say her first love. She fainted s she saw the picture of Noah standing in front of a big white house and decided to get away for a while. She met up with Noah again and finally realized that she still loved him. Well, the usual ending, she chose to be with Noah instead of the rich guy. However, as they grew older, Alie had an Alzheimer’s disease and failed to remember anybody, including Noah. She was put into a Home for the Agents’ hospital and soon Noah followed her. Touchy how he loved her despite of her loss of memory of him! He tried his very best to help her remember those days they had together by reading her “the notebook” that Alie herself wrote about their love story. And when Alie finally remembered, in a split of seconds, she forgot again! Her illness is getting really worse; the doctors wouldn’t let Noah near her. But he insisted and slept beside her. The next thing, the nurse found out them dead together.

Well, that's about my movie review! ciao :)!

The end.

HAPPY EID'L FITR!

Nine days before the official day of my finals is nine days of my supposedly guilt-free holidays. God, it's not easy to feel free in a holiday while you know you'll be having a really terrifying end. "But who cares?” I keep on convincing myself. Its holidays and we're supposed to have fun, right? Besides, we have to celebrate Eid'l Fitr! This year is my first Ramadan and Hari Raya here, let me tell you. And I was really excited to pack up my things and meet my cousins as the holidays started. We had this blow-out party hosted by my uncle for the rest of the Filipino UIA students, and it was a so cool! God, life is so good! *laughs*

Well, it was just your usual gathering, you know. We ate, we chat and laughed a lot--really! Most of the girls wore black jubah, the little girls and little bois in their colorful baju kurungs and baju malayus and the guys in their unity of white. I barely know some of the guys but they're really nice. It's just that, I'm too fierce-looking for them! *chuckles* My cousins and I were so pessimistic that maybe it would rain. And it did, so the rest of the guests decided to leave earlier than they intended to.

But boy, this party was great. Well, except for the fact that my sister is teasing me to this guy (err, boy) who happens to be really cute. He has a nice smile (like sunshine) and puffy brown hair (which reminds me of an old friend in High School). He was wearing this hooded, checkered jubah (like a dementor, minus the checkered patterns) which I used to laugh at when somebody wears it, but he looks so young in it--I can't help asking his age! *giggles* Guess what? He's just 18! "Hah," I thought. Then, my sis teased me some more coz that just means he's just a year older than me--which means he's the youngest among the guys! Really, I'm not kidding. 18 years old is the youngest age so far among my country mates which I'm aware I happen to be associated with. So..yeahh, for those dreaming for cute Filipino guys in Gombak, I'm sorry to break your heart, there are cute ones but they're more or less 23or 24. And for me, they're way too old--no offense (or offense! whatev!) :)

Yeah..all in all, the party was a blast! I ate a lot but I don't care! I've been eating tons of carbs these days which I constantly blame to the whole day of fasting and I made it through the whole month blaming the same reason. And now the month of Ramadan is finally done, I'll have to pay for all those days I was absent! *laughs* If you're a girl, you know what I mean!

Myself after 4 years..

I'm quite pessimistic about my future. Would I be rich?? Would I marry the guy I've been dreaming of my whole life?? But this are all idealistic. I know. But one prediction is just an inch away from reality, I will look like this sooner or later.

I won't (or will never) miss our fardo ain class!

Yeah..in this class, no thinking required! You can just come and go, provided that you sign up your name for the attendance..and go! But if you choose to stay, you'll get bored (for sure!), but the lecturer wouldn't notice..and you'll continue to be bored..and yawn..til you sleep--finally! Well, if you don't wanna believe me, check out Bass* as a living proof (bottom right)! *laughs*

I feel no poetry

Poetry is one of the oldest way of art where you express yourself in terms of words, which I, in my younger age used to indulge (but not anymore). But it needs a whole lot of inspiration, really, to come up with what we actually called, the poem. How can you come up with something worth reading for if don't make sense?

But I won't be blogging about poetry. In fact, I wanna talk about inspiration since poetry, like I said a while ago, needs tons of inspiration. This is the kind of inspiration that doesn't come easily. It just suddenly pop out from nowhere, and then, TADDAH! *insert gospels here* yeah..I was just wondering how the hell do all these great poets got their ideas. I mean, not all of them lost homes or an orphan since birth, to come up with such brilliant ideas that are being used in lots of literature books as references today and will be in the future.

I'm sorry, for the doses of questions. Maybe you're what's up with all these sudden questions? It's because I need an inspiration. I wanna ba something worth turning pages for like a really interesting book you just can't let go.

In short, I'm uninspired.

I hate rushing..but I'm getting lazy day by day!

time check:
It's exactly 23 mins. before my statistics will start. But where am I? In my bed, typing my blog. Hah. Talk about laziness! It's overruling my body for a week now! I used to wake up 1 hr. before class, but now, even if it's quarter to the alloted time, you still won't see me rushing my tudung on! Damn. I hate this laziness! But what should I do to get rid of it??

Tough luck, my class will start in about 15 minutes from now!!! ciao!

My Depreciated Deed..

Oh my God..it's Monday again--my most full-packed day of the whole week! And I know I'll be busier the whole week days because of the up coming Hisbah Night when we're supposed to decorate and our room a day before the official night. But did we do anything? Of course not. I couldn't be bothered to. I just don't get the whole decorating concept. I mean, cleaning is reasonable enough to be imposed obligatorily, but decorating? Nah..I had enough last sem and I don't wanna decorate for nothing anymore! (well, I hope they have prizes for the most ugliest room, maybe we have a chance! *giggles*)

Yeah..well, my Monday is actually the usual one, except for the sudden cancellation of our Arabic Class that has been announced whole wide through SmS. Who wouldn't, anyway? Everybody parties when Arabic Class is cancelled. So, I did a small deed of telling my old guy pals by telling them that the class is, indeed, cancelleed.

I went up to my room, merrily eating my vastly inflated lunch from no other than, Kawa Thai. Then, as I finished my meal, my roommate told me that the class wasn't cancelled, and it wasn't cancelled at all! HUH?? I thought twice; "Didn't Faz** just told me that it was cancelled?" Out of confusion, I went to another classmate's room. And it wasn't cancelled and Jene** herself confirmed me. Argh. Damn, I have to change, now.

So I quickly told my roomies of the sudden explosion of the massive news and laughed as Anna**'s sighed: "Aww..really?" (insert scratching of the head here)

Of course I thought of telling the other guys that the class was resumed again, but I indirectly delivered the news. Instead of texting them at once, I sent the message to someone I know is close to them (who's our classmate as well, let's call him "The Messenger") and will convey the message later on. And because I personally like this "Messenger", I didn't have any second thoughts of passing the forwarded message.

I came to class panting because of the predictable hotness of the weather. And, surprise, surprise! The guys are not there, but the "Messenger" is here. Where are they? I thought, maybe they're still taking their sweetest time walking across the field. Then, an hour later, B** called angrily yelling over the phone looking for me and bellowing my name like I stole a chicken or something! My God. What's up with this people? Didn't I told them (well, indirectly , though) that the class is on?!

I was humiliated by the yelling. But a half of my body is telling me to know why that neaderthal-ish guy is yelling his lungs out. I asked the "Messenger" at the end of the class if he did tell them, and guess what? The Messenger said, "NO", flatly. So insensitive! He came himself not telling anybody and he just looked at me for emphasis that I'm actually there and walked away. I hate him! ARGH!!! (OK, calm down..)

Oh my God. No wonder that close-minded, neanderthal-ish guy is mad. But if you think of it, it wasn't my fault (right?). Argh. I hate it when I try to convince myself to be innocent. But the thing is, they reacted so childlishly withou having me explain my side and even if I do, they won't get my point. Why? God knows. But one thing's certain, we won't talk for the good two weeks of distrust but in peace.

No place like home..

After my first paper is actually the official holidays that we will be savoring though it's just a week! Who wouldn't, anyway? So, yeahh..when all the girls are going home, we're watching them leaving (as usual!). To tell you, we're really immune to people passing by and merrily leaving the miserable Nilai. Well, it's a sad, sad story indeed that we've got no where to go but Gombak (the main campus)as our sanctuary in this whole stranger's world.

But, naah! Enough of the drama. It's enough that even though I'm in a different country, I still got the hold on to my ever supportive country mates who gave me the comfort only a home can offer. After all, there's no place like home, right? That's why even though we hate it when our mom keeps on asking us "where are you going?", whenever we wanna hang-out with your gals with the memorized answer: "at school and I'll be back before late", we still miss it. And even though how annoyed you are when your little sister put the channel to Barney or Hanna Montana (I'm personally get this one!) while your watching your favorite drama series, you will still be missing those times and wish that you would've just let her watch that stupid show, instead of throwing toy crackers on her face!

It's funny how things come like this dramatic to me. I mean, I'm no so sweet when it comes to dealing with my little sister, let me tell you. I'm actually closer to my friends at school than to my own sister and that explains the huge gap between us since primary school. We're 4 years apart. She's boyish and I'm on the "pinky side" of femininity. We went to different schools and we used to like the same guy when I was in my 10Th Grade. Awkward much? I know. There's nothing more awkward than having your lil sis falling for the same guy you like. But the thing is, the guy liked me when I finally lost my interest on him. And the drama began. My sis likes him more and more, at the same time, he was already courting me! Argh. I don't wanna break my sis' heart so I prefer not to tell her coz I know I'll turn the guy down sooner or later. But the surprising part is when she found out about it, she gave the way and told me to give him a chance. Aww..then I realized how selfish am I to keep such a secret when never knew that she's dying at the other end! But like I said, I turned the guy down and I felt better.

Since then we got closer unlike before. We share everything we have, shoes, clothes, money, you name it! And before I left for Malaysia, we both had a great time shopping for the stuffs I'll be carrying along the way. I really miss my sister. My only sister. And I keep on telling my self when I get back the first I'll do is to take her out to--what a girl wants--shopping! haha..

It's not easy to be away form home especially if your not used to it. It wasn't that hard for at first coz I'm really used to be away from home and my parents are out for work. But being gone from their sight for almost a year now (and your damn young), it's a challenge I never knew I have to struggle from.

My First Paper..

Hah. of all the dreaded subjects, Maths came first in queue of my exam lists! God, I'm totally motivating myself to study. For the first time (as far as I'm concern), I devoted my whole week for Maths. To tell you, I'm not really into burning my eyebrows for such subjects, especially Maths and for the fact that it's just trigonometry. But this one drove me crazy (you totally don't wanna know the details). And now I'm paying back for my careless days..

It was 5pm when Sandy (my roommate) was nervously throwing in her blue tudung, standing in front of our floor-length mirror and slowly spoke:

"I'm nervous..", she said so slowly, you can even consider it a whisper.

And what a friend can offer? I just said:
"Don't be, it'll be fine.", hoping I didn't sound like a mom.

Argh. I'm getting nervous as well, I should've just shut up. Damn.

After a few minutes, we're ready to head our way to MPN for the most awaited paper. And guess what? It was damn hot (oh well, it wasn't much of an intelligent guess, I suppose) but my hands are damn cold. When we arrived in the Hall, I sat next to A (one of the..shall I say, the Maths geniuses of my batch!) who was staring blankly in the space and beyond. " Maybe she's concentrating," I thought.

Everybody looks so jittery to get their fingers on the paper to get it over and done with. The paper was quite challenging (or so for someone like me, it was challenging), but for A who didn't seem so challenged at all, passed the paper in 30 mins. out of 1 and a half hours of torture and everybody turned their backs as she left the torture chamber. Whoa. That was quick! And I was surprised for the first time, she sighed. (She's no straight-faced geek after all!). Then, followed by her country mate who I don't think is that interested to finish the time rendered as she used to do.

Tick tack..tick tack..

I can feel the pressure of the ticking clock.

"5 mins. more.", said the invigilator flatly.

I quickly scanned my paper, in case i missed an item blank. And.. At last! The whole torture time of the day is over! I passed my paper with a sigh. uh. " It's okey..", I reminded myself. Sandy and Faz turned to me and we were dismissed.

"The paper was fine! It was ok. argh!But I missed the number..", Faz was explaining in details as we were exiting the hall but I can no longer her. My head is still into the paper--refreshing my memory of the items I left blank..when suddenly..

"Hey!", a hand popped-out of my view.

It was Kyle, the Bruneian guy (err..boy).
"How was it??!", he cried curiously. I tried to be polite and entertained him for a while though I don't really wanna talk about the whole "exam thing".

Then, we walked pass the convenient shop and i saw some other familiar faces whom I know will ask about the exam. So I tried to walk like normal, neglecting the fact that I know those human figures. And..there, I found my sanctuary in my bed as the 'chicken little' design was cheerfully grinning at me.

Ahh..I'm done with it! My whole week of frustrations and disappointments were all thrown away to that hall..and that 6-paged paper..and I feel GOOD! Oh, thank God it's Saturday the following day..

Success is counted Sweetest..

UCCESS is counted sweetest

By those who ne'er succeed.

To comprehend a nectar

Requires sorest need.




Not one of all the purple host

Who took the flag to-day

Can tell the definition,

So clear, of victory,




As he, defeated, dying,

On whose forbidden ear

The distant strains of triumph

Break, agonized and clear.

A poem from my all time favorite poet, Emily Dickinson.

AAARGGHH!!! I'm running MAD!!!

I'm not even in the right age to drive and marry but the madness police is gradually knocking on my doorstep to arrest me for committing madness. I'm mad. Please forgive for telling you late, my dear blogger. Forgive me that you've been reading entries of a mad teenage girl's page all these time. Yeah..mad as it is. I'm not quite ashamed that I am one. Coz I know you'll be one as well as soon as you finish reading this entry and actually comprehended my real madness.

These thought of me knowing I'm mad is killing me. Why? Oh for God's sake! It's like knowing you have leukemia and your days are already counted, and you don't have any way with it! It's incurable. It's frustrating. It's got to be accepted.

You might be wondering why this girl is still writing on her blog yet she's mad. Huh. Don't wonder, coz I'm mad. My madness is giving me the adrenaline to activate my brain in a weird but useful way, unlike the usual madness. It's killing me, yes. But it's also my source of strength and will to finish my freaking course! Yes, you got it right. I'm savouring my sanity to figure out how to pass my core courses. And it's not that I hate my core courses that I just wanna pass them, but because there's nothing I can do with it. If I push my self more, I'll break the limit and I won't be able to write into my precious cyber spotlight anymore. You'll just found out that my nurse will telling you, my dear blogger, that I'm under observation.

Whoa. I totally blew it out! The oppressed thoughts of mine have been in caved for so long that I can't even reckon it's been a month. But never mind. That's why my loving blogger is still reading my entries, right? To reach out to me--well, I hope you won't say I have to stop blogging coz my entries have nothing to do to help Hilary Clinton win anyway--and feel my madness--but not too much! I'm infectious.

I love blogging and I won't stop blogging even though I'll be mad.

And because I know you love me...