Inferiority complex.
I've always known I have one since I started going to primary school. Before, I don't know what it's called since I've never been aware that it's something killing me inside. I continued going to school with the feeling of being so small among all the students of my age. I have friends, yes. There's no question about that. After all, I'm practically friendly. But the thought that I'm the smallest and the youngest in my class (actually all of my classes when I was in primary school) and not that smart, made me feel I'm different. Different in a way that I'm out of place.
But my loving Mom will always tell me that I'm special and that people have different characteristics. She never, ever dared to say the word "different" to connote that I'm an introvert, but I know deep inside that I'm different, if not to end up an introvert--what else would I be? " she's just telling me this because I'm her daughter", I thought.
I never figured out how to defeat my inferiority complex as the years pass by (because I actually don't know how). Now that I'm 17, pretty more matured than I was in primary school. I know now that inferiority complex is another way of saying you have a low self-esteem. I keep on telling myself that it will just give me the feeling of negativity, alienation and irritation. And so I stopped thinking about it.
But it keeps on coming back. After my Maths class, I consulted my lecturer about my failed first, Maths quiz (yeahh, I know, shame!). She taught me the right answers and how to come up with those solutions, I just nodded to all the solutions. Then suddenly, she looked at me in the eyes with large, black eyes surveying my whole face..and asked:
"Do you feel inferior?", she's still staring.
"I..I guess so...", I said as if it was my first time to figure out that i do have it.
And so my straight-faced but a concerned lecturer told me her story of inferiority. She told me that she was a failure, not just in English but also in Maths. She used to feel inferior that girls of her age solves the mathematical problems in no time, leaving her still solving in the middle step. "Who wouldn't be envy? They're so clever!", she quoted. Yeahh..I get her. If those girls finished faster than her, her lecture will call out for a "faster" call to those still solving--that cracks me out, bacause I have to solve it even faster. Then she told me that she failed her English Qualification Exam for students going abroad, and that she strive so hard to pass it on her second try.
Well, her voice of experience are just so realistic and inspiring, but what stroked me the most is the her first question that brought up the whole topic. Yes, I do feel inferior. But I'm somehow blessed that I have good people behind me. I mean, not all children who discovered they're different or they don't excel in a field most children do (like playing sports or solving maths problems), have trustworthy and loving friends and family with them to tell them they are not that bad after all.
"The roots of all my inferiority is a small piece of crap", I digested this one to boost my confidence. So Why am I keep on thinking about it in the first place?
I've learned my lessons in the hard way. In a way that only time can mend. I've learned that people are good in different fields of skills and that I just happen to be not so good in Maths. All I have to do is to pat myself to conscious efforts on the back for the things I do well. I don't need to always come in first to be the best.
And I guess it's a good start of motivation to any of you who has the same kind of inferiority that I do. Oh! There you go! My first dramatic entry. haha..that's it for now. Ciao!
